That is much better. I think there needs to be a bit more to nibble on so people know where you are headed — “kinda the jist” of it. It seems super vague and the idea of a new system of government is kinda overwhelming. I lean into it but the vagueness and overwhelming nature of it makes me think “hmm…may not or may be not now”….

The idea of a story is a good one too. It can keep people engaged as you walk them through the details.

Another thing that can be super effective is a quick way for people to get it is to come up with a way of explaining it.

For example, trickle down economics. (Forget whether or not it works. We get the idea right away.) Safety net. (It explains what it is and what it is for.) Social fabric. (Also explains the relationships and connectedness in way which people get.) This may not be possible with your idea. Just something to consider. TDG is something that you “get” but others don’t. Using it early on actually can take away from your intent because it makes it seem even more cryptic. (Remember this is about making this easy to understand while still peaking interest with some mystery…just not too much. Bite size pieces.)

Also if you can come up with a way that says “currently we do this (fill in the blanks quickly in a way that your will contrast) instead of doing this (your idea) which will solve these problems (quick list) where the way we do it is explained in a what this is contrasted easily by what you are proposing and the problems will be seen as solvable within this frame work.

Example: We currently haul the water out to the cows in buckets which takes time, a lot of man power and we spill a lot along the way (old way) instead of running hoses out to where the cows are so that we can fill the water bins easily by just turning on the water (new way) as a result we can save time, labor and water.

Just some ideas.