Biden Hugs & The (New) Rule of Good Intentions

By now we have seen the pictures and videos. We have heard the stories but to understand what is happening, we need to look at the different layers of the Biden story. As we do, we can see how this current “dust up” is not just an example of gender insensitivity but of something that is deeply connected to white privilege. We find it on the road to good intentions.

What has been discussed:

First is the fact that women have come forward and said that his behavior made them feel uncomfortable. This is not about sexual harassment or assault. It is more along the lines of rudeness that makes people uncomfortable. This is very different from what other men have been accused of recently and no one should be trying to mix, compare or equate the two.

Additionally, some people are trying to play this off by saying that he is just a “huggy” guy and that he hugs men too. True. He does hug men. That said, I have not seen where he has run his hands through their hair, sniffed their hair and kissed their heads. He may but he certainly does not do it with the frequency that he does this to women and girls.

Then there is the issue of when he is doing this and to whom. Many of the clips I have seen are of him doing this at swearing-in and awards ceremonies. The families are present and inevitably, it seems, he would take some time to get even closer to people in already close quarters (often while they are lining up for pictures).

There are a couple of things to point out here. This is essentially a workplace setting. It is not a family gathering. This sort of thing is not really appropriate in the workplace. He also is basically a stranger to many of the people there. In a time of “stranger danger”, many kids are raised to be a little distant with people they don’t know. And while it seems people did not verbally tell him to stop, some did cringe and lean away from him which is telling him that they were not comfortable and that should have been a flag.

But missing all those, all he had to do was pay attention to the media. His behavior was called out by “liberal media” when he was VP back in 2014 and 2015. Some were just asking him to stop because it was a bit creepy and seemed inappropriate even before #metoo.

People have also tried to dismiss this because his “intentions are good”. Based on the fact that he was called out in the media back in 2014 and 2015 and it seems that he did not change course, I would ask if his intentions are just “not bad” (and not necessarily good). If they were really good, he would be more aware and responsive to a woman cringing or a girl trying to move away from him.

The Rule of Good Intentions:

And since we are talking about intentions, it is a good time to mention that many people don’t get to live by the rule of good intentions and that they need to be acutely aware of how others are interpreting their (well-intentioned) actions. This is again where race and gender intersect a “hot topic” and we sometimes miss it.

It seems to be a white thing that people can rely on this excuse alone as a reason that “Uncle Joe” should be given a pass. There is a sense of entitlement that, if his intent is good, very little harm can come from it.

I would just like to point out that there are situations in which people don’t get this pass and that everything depends, not on their intentions, but in how people receive it.

Early in my career, I worked in male-dominated industries. It was clear that my intentions did not mean anything and that I had to read the situation and people to understand how the men around me interpreted things. I then had to adjust accordingly. I could not just say “well I meant this, my intentions were good, and if you did not understand that is on you because you should have said something at the time”.

The double standard is more acute for black people. How many times have there been issues with the police in which the black child did something (with no malicious intent or even when trying to do good) and the police misinterpreted the actions and responded harshly — sometimes with lethal force? When this happens, I often hear a painful critique of how the young black child should have done things differently — even though they did not have evil intent and had no idea how the police might interpret things differently. This “intent does not matter” thing is so bad that black parents have to have “the talk” with their children when they get older so that they will understand that their intent does not mean anything because it is what other people (specifically the police) think that means everything. (This talk is something that most white parents don’t even have to think about.)

The list of other groups, people and situations in which “good intentions” does not mean anything and can even get you killed can go on.

Having been in the power majority (white male) for his entire long life, it seems that Biden has never known this burden or has never needed to adjust.

And for those who are going ‘ugh, now she is making this about race’, I would say this:

Imagine if Biden was a black man and had acted the way Biden did with those same women and girls who did not know him. Would so many people have jumped to his defense and said that he did not intend for them to be uncomfortable or would many more be saying that it did not matter and that he should have noticed they felt uncomfortable — that he should have acted more responsibly? (And actually, a black man would never have done this because he knows what will happen. He is very aware that his good intentions mean nothing and that the reaction of others are what matters. He is also pretty knowledgeable about what those reactions might be.)

So this again seems to be a demonstration of white privilege. I hear you groaning but don’t care. You have another example of it. Where the same rules and conditions are not applied equally based on race. Where a white guy can do something, get away with it and be defended aggressively for it while a black guy could never get away with the same thing.

Where does this leave things?

In an effort to demonstrate that “he gets it”, Biden made a reasonable speech last Thursday but then promptly went out and undid it on Friday by making two jokes about it.

This is not what someone does who truly understands or is working to understand. This is someone accustomed to privilege — there is a sense of entitlement — of hearing others but then not really having to take it seriously.

While this appears to be a gender issue, it also, when looked through a different lens, reveals that race plays a part in this too.

Finally, others have tried to blame Bernie people for this controversy but this was always going to come up. It was also always going to be a significant issue (perhaps the biggest because of the visuals) if Biden decided to run. If he did not get hit with this in the nomination process, he certainly would later. For him to run successfully he had to get over this hump which is why, I suspect, this is coming out now. This is the hurdle that he has to cross to get big money on board. Don’t blame others. Blame Biden for not addressing this earlier and then for screwing this up by joking about it Friday. He did somethings that were stupid, he tried to correct for it, but the next day he doubled down on it. (To makes matters worse, this is the Trumpiest of patterns.)

Where does he stand with me? I am not sure. I will wait and see. He had a great opportunity to show the country how we can evolve and change through his behavior and leadership. He blew that. Now we will see what happens next.

That said there are about 20 other people who have tossed their hat in the ring (or probably will). All but one will be eliminated for one reason or another.